The toys of Christmas passed

Well it's 2018 (yeah, I'm bad at this), I hope you had a fine Christmas and got everything you wanted. I did alright, but when you get to my age (39), your  gifts tend to be socks and body soap sets.  It's during Christmas II tend to reminisce on childhood memories, littered with the elation I felt at opening life-long favourites like Stinkor, Manta Force, Ultra Magnus (with the rubber tyres on the white Optimus Prime), and that crocodile guy from The Get Along Gang. But everyone and their sister does that sort of thing, so allow me the indulgence of treading into more sombre territory by focusing on the toys that never made into my, or your, or anyone's stocking. The toys that didn't appear on the shop shelves because of lack of demand; that one missing character in an otherwise popular line; the toy company going under; or the tie-in media getting cancelled etc.

Cancelled/unmade toys is a subject that's been written about- by people more qualified than I- before, so I wont cover the more well known ones like rocket-firing Boba Fett, Niko from the Galaxy Rangers, and that mountain playset where the Visionaries were supposed to go on their holidays. Instead my list of toys are the never were, almost was, and could never be, so the following is a  more personal and esoteric list than an encyclopedia of toylines/companies that went out of business, or digging up painful childhood memories. Let the disappointment commence!


Terrahawks: my kingdom for a ZEAF

Gerry Anderson's return to puppet-based action shows, in the 80s was one of the first shows I attached any kind of fandom to. Early Sunday evening was the highlight of my week. The awesome ships, the brilliant concept of the zeroids (an army of robot beach balls), the naughts and crosses game on the end credits. It was great! So when the toys came out, I was right up the toy aisle at the nearest  Woolworths to pour over the entire line on display. The figures were excellent- resembling their supermarionette counterparts- including all but one of the female cast. You had Sgt Major Zero and 101 (I would get more and pretend they were zeroid army) and the terrahawkes themselves; the Battlehawk, that had the little battletank that dropped out of it; the Treehawk (tree not included), and Hawkwing, which spent many bath times recreating its whirlpool launch. You get them all and set them against the evil forces of... a single Zelda figure and any spare Oxo cubes you can scavenge.
Fair play to Bandai for making both Kate Kestrel and Mary Falconer- seeing as figure lines, even today, are adverse to including female characters.  But when the entire enemy consists of the main antagonist, and nothing else, you're left at a bit of a loose end. I can understand  Cy-star might not be high on a kid's Christmas list, but what about the wonderfully disgusting Yung-star? The nightmare inducing Moid? The ZEAF fighters?  And, most importantly, the enemy army-builder, the iconic Zelda cubes? So I was reduced to raiding the kitchen cubbard and using Oxo cubes or risk ruining your board games by colouring in the sides of a dice with black pen. Because once you've rolled your zeroids down the stairs the twentieth time, you really start to pine for a zeriod/cube battle.  I get the idea that the heroes tend to sell better than the villains, but at least give them a fighting chance!



Galaxy Rangers: No gear, no glory

I know, I know! I said I wouldn't mention the Niko figure that only made it to the prototype stage and was never released. That's not what I'm missing. See, I loved the Adventures of The Galaxy Rangers; a sci-fi western about cybernetically enhanced cowboys in space, with gritty story lines and top of the line animation, and one of the best theme tunes of the decade. So I jumped on the toy line with gusto, quickly acquiring all three rangers. Fantastic. Except that Galoob thought a quick draw action feature and a hat was enough to reenact each ranger's special power. Zachary Foxx's  thunderbolt arm is sadly absent. Would a variant with a gold chrome arm have been too much? Even if it was, Zach could of come packed a thunderbolt arm as an accessory, instead of a hat. The left arm popped off easy enough., it could of worked, instead of my futile efforts to wrap tin foil around said arm and struggling with black and yellow felt tip pens.
Doc Hartford's portable hard drive, which kept all his programmes in, isn't included with his figure, despite having an open, left hand to hold one. But don't worry, on top of his gun, he comes with a hat. So that's alright.  Then there's the case of Shane Gooseman. In the show, "The Goose"- as his cardback insisted on calling him- was a genetically enhanced, super soldier. His body adapts to any kind of damage and he does a bang on impression of Clint Eastwood. And coolest of all, he can dual-wield laser guns! Now look at that photo. Count the number of holsters he has, now count the amount of guns he comes with...can you see the problem? Even if you crib a pistol off  Doc or Zach, Gooseman can't really hold it because his left hand is stuck in a position seemly just for holding his hat (which he never wore in the show) in a "how do you so, sir" pose. Hey, kids: you know that sci-fi western with the blonde Clint Eastwood, that wins ever battle, thanks to his techno badge? Now you get his toy with exclusive politeness feature. Never mind Galoob thought to give him two holsters but only one gun. He's got a hat!

That one kid who got the whole line

TMNT: Region-locked figures?

That Nickelodeon TMNT show is a bit good, isn't it? By far and away the best written cartoons shows of the last ten years. Too bad the best of the toy line gets held back if you live outside the US. Being one of those "it has to be show-accurate" type of fans- that blew over £100 buying the revoltech figures-  I didn't find much in Playmates' toy line, apart from the odd exception like Metalhead or Karai, but one figure did catch my eye, just for being based on my favourite character from the show; Mikey's superhero alter-ego, Turflytle, BUZZ, BUZZ! It's Michelangelo using rubbish to disguise himself as a giant fly. What's not to love? Well, his total lack of availability in the UK, that's what. I looked in every possible retail outlet and website (outside of ebay, where he was going for stupid money) to see if they had him, but I came up short every time. It came to the point where I had to email Playmates themselves to see if Turflytle had been even released over here, and guess what they said? Turflytle was not set for a European release because...well, Playmates UK wouldn't give me a reason. So the UK gets no Turflytle, just because. I guess the same goes for the Dimension-X savage Mikey- which I've never seen on a British toy shelf. What's worse is the total lack of reason behind it.  If the toy didn't pass EU safety standards, I could understand that, to officially say "because  it's not set for a UK release" just makes no sense. Unless you're an ebay scalper, then you're quids in.




X-MEN BLACKBIRD: Room for three more?

"Wait a minute", you might very well say, "there's been a few blackbirds over the years". And after 60 seconds pause, I would agree with your point then ask you how many X-men can fit in it. Whether your exposure to X-men is through the late 80s cartoon, the live action movies, or the comics you see  the blackbird jet carry, at least, two in the cockpit and four in the main compartment. Is it too much to ask for a properly scaled blackbird that can carry a full X-team? Hasbro make a 3.75 inch Marvel line- you know, the same scale GI Joe was made in- but make no vehicles despite its history of making large vehicles and playsets in that scale.  But then again, look at the ever shrinking size of Star Wars vehicles. The most recent Millennium Falcon for the 3.75 figures had just about enough room to house one figure in the cockpit. The AT-AT, that came out alongside the release of Rogue One actually has less room for troopers than the vintage toy from Kenner. The closest Hasbro will give you to a properly in-scale vehicle, for the 3.75 guys, is the jabba's sail barge, that could only be pre-bought at a premium price in America and Canada only, so maybe that's just as well? This is my attitude to vehicles: either make them the correct size to accommodate the figures in the line; or make a detailed vehicle, in whatever scale, that comes with correctly scaled X-Men to fit inside it, so you get your transport as you know it should be. The blackbird is an iconic part of the X-men brand, and it's a shame the only toys it gets are underwhelming jets with barely enough room for two mutants.



 Darkstalkers: Night of the licensed dead

As a massive fan of capcom beat'em ups, and toys, Sota's Street Fighter line was absolutely my cup of tea. They were large, detailed, came with bags of articulation and accessories (at a time when alternate heads were almost never seen in a toy line) and followed the scale (more or less) of the video game characters, so Sakura was shorter than Ryu, who in turn was dwarfed next to T-Hawk or Sagat. Brilliant! To this day, the Sota Street Fighter line is one of my favourites of all time. Were it not for the  sudden price gouge on the secondary market I'd have all of them by now.  So, you can imagine my delight at seeing pre-orders for Sota figures based on another Capcom beat 'em up; Darkstalkers. The brilliantly designed cast of classic monsters realised in plastic. I immediately clicked on the pre-order on the Forbidden Planet website, and waited for my Lord Raptor to arrive...
You can guess that it didn't. With no notification and the quiet deletion of the online listing, the Darkstalkers figures just disappeared. Sota was all ready to make the figures with the prototypes you see above and more, but it seems that retail wasn't high on the license so Sota tried to drum up a Matty Collector style pre-order threshold- in which the line would be produced if a minimum amount of pre-orders were fulfilled. Spoiler alert! They didn't get enough pre-orders, obviously. So, alas, we got denied another awesome figure line. Although, on the upside, I don't have to trawl through ebay listings for a Huitzil that doesn't cost upwards of £80. Unless Storm Collectables wants to call me on that and get the Darkstalkers license?



Transformers (G1):  Bumble no-mates

In the cold light of day, one has to sometimes take ff those rose-tinted glasses and admit that- although the beginning of a decades-spanning franchise and toy phenomenon- some aspects of the original Transformers line were rubbish. And not just because some of the tooling and child safety laws rendered some transformers to nothing but bricks with arms. As a little kid, that's just something I accepted because  that's how the toys were designed (without the knowledge that they were cribbed from different lines, hence why Soundwave towers over his  boss, Megatron) and the only alternative  you had to getting an Ironhide that looked nothing like how he did in the cartoon was to not get ironhide. Now days you can get the main autobots and decepticons in multiple incarnations, scales, and even unofficial versions made to resemble comic or cartoon designs more accurately. But there's one thing missing from the G1 line we could of had all along, at little expense...the humans. One really had to stretch their imagination to think a generic army man was Spike, Sparkplug or Chip. But the human companions of the autobots were an integral part of the cartoon show. Couldn't Hasbro have followed mattel's example and produced a toy of a show-only character to meet demand, like Orko? Yes they could. If you didn't know, the initial '84 wave of Transformers (mostly the autobots) were redecos of a Japanese toyline called Diaclone. Ever wonder why some G1 Transformers have obvious cockpits and driver seats? Because that's where the little Diaclone pilot would sit. You telling me, at the height of the cartoon's popularity, Hasbro couldn't take the Diaclone pilot, change the head a bit and paint on some yellow wellies and denims? And it doesn't have to be the autobuddies, remember in some episodes Transformers would project holographic drivers, so as to not alert suspicion in public? Hasbro/Takara would eventually catch up by making tiny figures of Spike and Sparkplug, included with the second incarnation of Masterpiece Optimus Prime but that's too little too late for me. By the way, what did happen to Chip? He just disappeared from the show with no explanation.



The Legend of Zelda: the power of three

This seems to be a thing in some Japanese toy lines where they make one excellent figure based off a film, comic, or video game then just leave it be. Most collector should recognise the Figma Link, from The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. It was so popular it's been re-released twice. Great, so how about a Ganon or Princess Zelda? Jakks Pacific "world of nintendo" line has released a Ganon and Zelda and those figures are aimed at younger/casual collectors. Why can't Max Factory push the boat out for one of the most famous game series of all time? It's bad enough there's just the one figure from Skyward Sword, but then Max Factory release a Link and Zelda from the Twilight Princess game, but no Ganon, Midna, or Link in his wolf form. Then it's back to square one with the release of a Link from A Link Between Worlds- which remains a singular release from that game.  Is it too much for a high-end toy company to see though a basic Zelda line? Link, Zelda and Ganon and I'd be happy. Even the company Max factory do their distribution with, Goodsmile, are guilty of it. The release a Link from Wind waker, then a Zelda, but where's Ganon? Yes, there's the more basic World of Nintendo line, but it's a gamble on all their figures getting a UK release (see Turflytle). If bandai can make a well articulated, detailed Super Mario line then what's holding the Figma making a Ganon for Link to fight? Or better yet...

Make a toy of this lovely man, you cowards!

Star Wars: A porg for Alex

Remember when The Force Awakens came out? Everyone went mad for the adorable BB-8 and his spherical antics. Better yet, he inspired some cool toys, especially the interactive  BB-8 from Sphero, that you controlled with a smart phone app and reacted to you and whirled around the house. Remember when The Last Jedi came out? And  everyone (that wasn't a reactionary troll) went mad for the adorable porgs and their flappy antics? But unlike BB-8, there's no cool toy of them. Oh yeah, there's a selection of plushies, a Pop Vinyl and the like, but where is the top of the range, super advanced, interactive, animatronic porg? Remember when the first trailer for The Last Jedi came out, and showed a brief shot of a porg? Was I the only person who immediately though "well that's the big toy for this Christmas"? Apparently no one in the toy industry. If you like R2-D2 or that evil version of BB-8  (BB-9E) then you're quids in, because there's Sphero versions of those droids, but the best I can find is a plush porg that flaps its wings and, sort of, opens its mouth when you push its tummy or something. Not bad, but it looks like a marrow that got a load of old wash cloths stuck too it and the mouth doesn't properly open either. It really says something about the state of porg toys when the Pop Vinyl is the most screen accurate.  I don't care how much it costs, I want a fully mobile porg that waddle around the house, flap its wings, blink it's eyes, open its mouth to squeak at me, and be my best friend. Or, at the very least, a porg version of that Chewbacca toy that you can tickle.



2000AD: Death, Motis,Fear,and...

If there's one thing worse than a toy line that only puts out one figure (see Zelda), it's a toy line that gets going then just stops with no warning, when you're several figures in. 3A's 2000AD six inch figure line got to me the most (in a disappointed sense, not a harassing people on the internet kind) because I just wanted a core set of figures that 3A had announced already: Judge Dredd, Judge Anderson, and the dark judges: Fear, Fire, Mortis and Death. I don't make great money, but I figured if 3A staggered the releases, I can get two main Judges and the four dark judges- and anything else I happen to get is a nice bonus. I got Judge Death for a decent price, then, as luck would have it, I came into a little money when Dredd was released, so I splashed out on the deluxe set that had his lawmaster bike included. I was still doing alright for cash (plus the value of the pound hadn't nosedived yet) so I snapped up Judges Fear and Mortis. All was left was Judge Fire, and then it started to go quiet. Other 2000AD characters got released or previewed (included the excellent looking Johnny Alpha) .  After several months of nothing, towards the end of 2018, 3A announced on their facebook page that they couldn't reach an acceptable price for  six inch figure (I personally heard a guy from 3A, at the 40th anniversary 2000AD convention, bemoan they were having problems getting Johnny Alpha to sell for less than $100) and sales not being what they expected, so the line was dead. Leaving me with only three dark judges. According to online scuttlebutt (so take it with a pinch of salt) a Judge Fire prototype was made but either designer, Ashley Wood, or 2000AD themselves had issues with it, thus it was scrapped.  In all fairness, Judge Fire isn't the easiest character to realise as an action figure. He is, after all, a walking skeleton that's completely engulfed in fire. How would that have worked:Little bits of clear flame coming out of his body? Just the head and hands on fire? Or no flames at all, with Fire's head being a  charred skull? Sadly, we'll never know. Yes, 3A have  made more 2000AD characters into figures than any other company, but that's something I'm already  accustomed to. I know Judge Dredd has a niche audience compared to more famous comic characters, and the number of Dredd fans that would pay money for toys from that comic are even smaller. So when ToyBiz made a Dredd and a Death I wasn't expecting any more than that, because I was amazed a Dredd got made in the first place. Same goes for Mezco's lone Dredd figure and, admittedly, very nice lawmaster. Us Dredd fans are lucky to get anything. So when 3A started releasing and announcing characters from not just Dredd but other iconic 2000AD strips, it got my hopes up of owning a proper collection of Dredd characters and beyond.  I was one away from completing it. I could do ok without a Judge Anderson, but to only have three out of the four dark judges is like having a Thomas the tank engine collection with no Sir Topham Hatt, a Magnificent Six, or  Batman with no batmobile. It just doesn't sit right.



As sad. frustrating, and embittering as this list seems, please don't take it 100% seriously. Yes, these are all toys I would like to have the opportunity to own, but it's not like I lost sleep over them or sent angry letters to Santa about why  I couldn't get a K.I.T.T. car that could talk. Toy collecting can feel like a constant, uphill struggle with no real end goal in sight. And when a specific toy you want doesn't get made or is cancelled, it sucks. But they are just toys, remember? They're supposed to bring you joy and entertainment. You're supposed to own them, not the other way round.... Says the man who would sell a kidney if Hot Toys got the Karl Urban Dredd license.

I know you know when my toy is out. Gimme!